make it easy to end one's life.
Confused. Depressed. Unmotivated
These feelings will never go away. They stay and grow like cancerous tumours do in your body, feeding away what's left of your pitiful soul.
Perhaps this is what will become of me. To forever feel shunned, jested and ridiculed for a mistake that was never my intention.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Thursday, November 25, 2010
surreal
i remember hating this place so much that i dreamt almost every other night about leaving this place. Now i have my chance for real.
two weeks and it's the end of my two year chapter in singapore. It isn't the best and most delightful moment of my life but it's definitely the most happening and nerve-wrecking. But i really don't know. This feeling of leaving comes with mixed feelings.
I really do hate this place but i also feel coming here has opened up so much possibilities in my life. I feel that i've learnt so much about myself that i couldn't have possibily experienced this introspection if i were to be caught in the delusion in Malaysia.
It's weird.
really....
this end needs a proper closure .....
two weeks and it's the end of my two year chapter in singapore. It isn't the best and most delightful moment of my life but it's definitely the most happening and nerve-wrecking. But i really don't know. This feeling of leaving comes with mixed feelings.
I really do hate this place but i also feel coming here has opened up so much possibilities in my life. I feel that i've learnt so much about myself that i couldn't have possibily experienced this introspection if i were to be caught in the delusion in Malaysia.
It's weird.
really....
this end needs a proper closure .....
Friday, October 29, 2010
I like studying in the pantry at night especially when the JH bunch are gone. The stillness of the night gives you a sense of calmness and peace that you certainly can't find during the day when everyone is so caught up with their own work.
The contrast is stark and it is at this time of the day that i feel completely disconnected from the cacophony of the day. Hakuna matata indeed. It is also at this very moment that i have the courage to discard my worries of the worldly things around me and indulge in this temporary state of tranquility.
tonight, the night has bestowed upon me renewed faith and strength.
I'm optimistic
The contrast is stark and it is at this time of the day that i feel completely disconnected from the cacophony of the day. Hakuna matata indeed. It is also at this very moment that i have the courage to discard my worries of the worldly things around me and indulge in this temporary state of tranquility.
tonight, the night has bestowed upon me renewed faith and strength.
I'm optimistic
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
fingers crossed
i really should stop acting so paranoid and fretting over the most trivial of things. Even more so when there is no point of worrying about them when it is impossible for me to make any changes or whatsoever. Maybe it's just the stress and pressure to excel. All these have certainly taken a toll on me, both mentally and physically.
The finishing line is in sight. i should really pull myself together and give this bloody thing my best shot. What others do is none of my business. This is my battle and i will prove to myself and all the skeptics how wrong they are to doubt me.
Mediocrity, you've had your chance for the past two years. but now .... GET LOST !!!
tomorrow is the day. fingers crossed
The finishing line is in sight. i should really pull myself together and give this bloody thing my best shot. What others do is none of my business. This is my battle and i will prove to myself and all the skeptics how wrong they are to doubt me.
Mediocrity, you've had your chance for the past two years. but now .... GET LOST !!!
tomorrow is the day. fingers crossed
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
commit
i will try my best to update this blog as religiously as i can. I've always wanted to do so but somehow laziness prevails and my blogs always end up in the dumbster. But i hope this blog will be an exception
life should be much more simpler than this
Today i am reminded of the many happy things in my life that i had once taken for granted. I think by now, i have pretty much no regrets in my decision of coming to Singapore. Despite all the disappointments and nonsense that i get here, i am ironically thankful that i have made the decision to break out of my own bubble and take up this daunting challenge.
It's not to say that Singapore has empowered or increased my self worth in any way. Instead,it did just the exact opposite. I felt more powerless, inferior than ever. I doubt myself in an unprecedented manner. I question my own worth and abilities. I was forced to make changes to my old ways, just for the sole reason of fitting into the system like a jigsaw puzzle and remain competitive in this endless rat race. i realise that the "slack" mentality that has been so strongly ingrained in my secondary school days will not work in this society. i learnt that if you want something, you need to earn it, with hard work and sweat. And sometimes effort is not the only thing that determines what you get. You need to be deserving of your achievements. In a way, i believe that the system works both ways. You want it but more than that, it needs to want you.
There are so many set backs that i've encountered in this foreign country that i don't know where to start ranting about it. But i guess ultimately it is all these setbacks that have mould my perspectives and shaped my beliefs today. I have never felt any more opinionated and strong headed in my 18 years of life. I've learnt the true meaning of standing up for the things that i believe in and rights that i deserve. I've learnt how to remain composed and level-headed and not be consumed by the system.
In a way, i think being a foreigner is definitely an advantage for me. Coming from a different country, i am able to bring my country's perspective to this diverse society. I am able to see life from a different angle that most Singaporeans sadly can't see. For instance, coming from a less politically stable country like Malaysia, i am more sensitive to political issues than most Singaporean students. The average Singaporean would probably be accepting towards the subtle totalitarianism of the Singapore government but i believe that there should be more political freedom in this regimental society.
Another flawed belief that i find most disturbing is the notion of meritocracy and competition. Competition has been the "in" word by the Singapore government throughout the years. The society generally believes that competition allows one to remain competent and productive at all times. They use this "excuse" to justify all the nonsense workload that they impose on the average Singaporeans. But more often than not, the trade off of this actually outweighs the benefits that it brings. I am only arguing this in the context of Singapore. It might not happen if this were to happen in Malaysia or in any other country. But i generally do believe that the amount of competition that one gets in this country is outrageous. The workload of the teachers in Singapore is indescribably crazy. Higher ups of the school management justify this by saying that all the work that you do are to develop your potential and stretch ur latent abilities. But really when does the stretching stop? Does the stretch necessarily develop your potential or is it just a form of euphemism to replace the incalculable amount of "saikang" workload? seriously. Resilience is a virtue, that i do not disagree. But too much of anything is always harmful. In this case, i've seen it first hand, especially looking at how the teachers in Singapore work and i feel that the situation has gone out of hand.
Besides that, i also do not believe in the rigid moral framework of my school. I try not to generalise the Singapore population because after all my experience reflects only my interaction with the people around me and that normally comes from my school. There seems to be a very clearly defined right and wrong in my school but seriously in real life that is not always the case. There are no absolutes in life especially for something so abstract like morality and discipline. There are always shimmering shades of grey that need further exploration. Even discipline cases need to be examined through a case by case basis but not a mere mandatory kind of sentence which makes completely no sense. Is the school trouble maker necessarily someone who is morally unsound? Is someone who doesn't abide by the rules, a bad student? what if these rules are so flawed in the first place? Why conform just because the book or the rules say so????
my counselor once told me that i am a very lucky student. I have experienced life of two extreme spectrum - life of a good student and a bad student. and yes i am being deemed a problematic child in school. But seriously, i am pissed off with how judgemental this place is. Every human has their own short comings but this society seems to be afraid to acknowledge this. The general population strives to maintain and uphold the best behavior, trying to portray a prim and proper kind of facade. but honestly, this is the thing that is so un-human about this place. I come from a place where people are not afraid to admit their mistakes. People commit mistakes all the time. i see it, acknowledge it and i think it is perfectly human for one to make mistakes, be it discipline issues or academic stuffs.
But this place has redefined my perspective. People are generally afraid to make mistakes. Even the slightest and most minuscule of mistakes can be fatal and deemed shameful. Failure is unacceptable and not allowed. Therefore life is so torturous in NJC where everyone tries to uphold the best behavior and avoid mistakes. I believe that we should be more accepting of mistakes and embrace them. It doesn't necessarily mean that this gives us the excuse to make more mistakes but we should be more forgiving to ourselves and admit that no matter how capable or well-educated, we are still just mere humans who are prone to mistakes.
Ok i shall stop my rant here. You know i first started writing this post, with the intention to pen down the things that i've learnt from my experience in Singapore. But it seems that i've inevitably digressed myself to a post full of angsty rant. Till the next time when i shall write something more positive. :D
It's not to say that Singapore has empowered or increased my self worth in any way. Instead,it did just the exact opposite. I felt more powerless, inferior than ever. I doubt myself in an unprecedented manner. I question my own worth and abilities. I was forced to make changes to my old ways, just for the sole reason of fitting into the system like a jigsaw puzzle and remain competitive in this endless rat race. i realise that the "slack" mentality that has been so strongly ingrained in my secondary school days will not work in this society. i learnt that if you want something, you need to earn it, with hard work and sweat. And sometimes effort is not the only thing that determines what you get. You need to be deserving of your achievements. In a way, i believe that the system works both ways. You want it but more than that, it needs to want you.
There are so many set backs that i've encountered in this foreign country that i don't know where to start ranting about it. But i guess ultimately it is all these setbacks that have mould my perspectives and shaped my beliefs today. I have never felt any more opinionated and strong headed in my 18 years of life. I've learnt the true meaning of standing up for the things that i believe in and rights that i deserve. I've learnt how to remain composed and level-headed and not be consumed by the system.
In a way, i think being a foreigner is definitely an advantage for me. Coming from a different country, i am able to bring my country's perspective to this diverse society. I am able to see life from a different angle that most Singaporeans sadly can't see. For instance, coming from a less politically stable country like Malaysia, i am more sensitive to political issues than most Singaporean students. The average Singaporean would probably be accepting towards the subtle totalitarianism of the Singapore government but i believe that there should be more political freedom in this regimental society.
Another flawed belief that i find most disturbing is the notion of meritocracy and competition. Competition has been the "in" word by the Singapore government throughout the years. The society generally believes that competition allows one to remain competent and productive at all times. They use this "excuse" to justify all the nonsense workload that they impose on the average Singaporeans. But more often than not, the trade off of this actually outweighs the benefits that it brings. I am only arguing this in the context of Singapore. It might not happen if this were to happen in Malaysia or in any other country. But i generally do believe that the amount of competition that one gets in this country is outrageous. The workload of the teachers in Singapore is indescribably crazy. Higher ups of the school management justify this by saying that all the work that you do are to develop your potential and stretch ur latent abilities. But really when does the stretching stop? Does the stretch necessarily develop your potential or is it just a form of euphemism to replace the incalculable amount of "saikang" workload? seriously. Resilience is a virtue, that i do not disagree. But too much of anything is always harmful. In this case, i've seen it first hand, especially looking at how the teachers in Singapore work and i feel that the situation has gone out of hand.
Besides that, i also do not believe in the rigid moral framework of my school. I try not to generalise the Singapore population because after all my experience reflects only my interaction with the people around me and that normally comes from my school. There seems to be a very clearly defined right and wrong in my school but seriously in real life that is not always the case. There are no absolutes in life especially for something so abstract like morality and discipline. There are always shimmering shades of grey that need further exploration. Even discipline cases need to be examined through a case by case basis but not a mere mandatory kind of sentence which makes completely no sense. Is the school trouble maker necessarily someone who is morally unsound? Is someone who doesn't abide by the rules, a bad student? what if these rules are so flawed in the first place? Why conform just because the book or the rules say so????
my counselor once told me that i am a very lucky student. I have experienced life of two extreme spectrum - life of a good student and a bad student. and yes i am being deemed a problematic child in school. But seriously, i am pissed off with how judgemental this place is. Every human has their own short comings but this society seems to be afraid to acknowledge this. The general population strives to maintain and uphold the best behavior, trying to portray a prim and proper kind of facade. but honestly, this is the thing that is so un-human about this place. I come from a place where people are not afraid to admit their mistakes. People commit mistakes all the time. i see it, acknowledge it and i think it is perfectly human for one to make mistakes, be it discipline issues or academic stuffs.
But this place has redefined my perspective. People are generally afraid to make mistakes. Even the slightest and most minuscule of mistakes can be fatal and deemed shameful. Failure is unacceptable and not allowed. Therefore life is so torturous in NJC where everyone tries to uphold the best behavior and avoid mistakes. I believe that we should be more accepting of mistakes and embrace them. It doesn't necessarily mean that this gives us the excuse to make more mistakes but we should be more forgiving to ourselves and admit that no matter how capable or well-educated, we are still just mere humans who are prone to mistakes.
Ok i shall stop my rant here. You know i first started writing this post, with the intention to pen down the things that i've learnt from my experience in Singapore. But it seems that i've inevitably digressed myself to a post full of angsty rant. Till the next time when i shall write something more positive. :D
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